But its more complaining so if you don't wanna hear it, then don't read it.
It's the same shit though. Missing everyone. Missing everything. Hating work. Hating Florida. Hate is a strong word so...disliking life. I still haven't made any friends. My closest friend here is my cat. Seriously. And occasionally the neighbor next door. But we don't hang out that much because she's only 16 and more broke than anyone I've ever met. When I don't feel sorry for myself, I feel sorry for her.
But since this is my entry, I keep complaining about myself. Since that's all I'll ever do. A couple days ago I posted a picture of my Black Rock Shooter cosplay on facebook. I got some pretty nasty comments about it. One said "put a dress on or pants stop taking pictures like that ." I have never taken bad pictures and posted them online. It's a fricken costume. And its basically like any other girl posting a pic of themselves at the beach or pool in their bathing suit. Except I'm wearing a long black coat with long sleeves and a 20 pound black wig with pigtails that covers whatever the coat and boots don't. I was also called slutty at work that day. But then they changed slutty to sleezy. Not that it made me feel any better. So I guess no more facebook cosplay pics. I still want to wear it to MegaCon. It's the only convention I'm going to this year and I'm going with my uncle and little cousin. I might as well put as much effort into this costume as I can.
I really want to quit my job. It's the worst I've ever had. I hate every second that I'm there. I'm done being the youngest and only woman in the entire place. The only reason I'm there is because when I first moved, my uncle offered the job up and I'd get it ASAP at $8 an hour. It sounded pretty good because I was only making $7.65 at CWPrice. But I was so wrong. I cannot begin to list all the little things I took for granted while working in NY compared to Florida. I work full time. I do not get 15 minute breaks. I do not get vacation time. I cannot tell my boss 2 weeks in advance for a day off. I do not get any fulltime benefits such as health insurance or retirement. I work in a filthy, God-forsaken place from 8:30-4 monday-friday.
I have honestly begun to think I'm depressed because I go into these sad-attacks that last 2-4 hours at a time and occur at least 1-3 times a week. I can't stop thinking about certain things and the thoughts just keep coming back over and over again. Sometimes I feel like crying right in the middle of the day at work and I have to tell myself "conceal dont feel" to stop myself from tearing up. I sort of brought it up to my mom that I dont want to work there anymore and its causing me too much stress and she rolls her eyes and goes "That's life honey. I didn't like to go to work either." or "You too? We know enough nutjobs." or "Then quit and get another job if you dont like it. I don't see you doing anything about it." And I've told her I can't just quit and get a different job. I'll start out at $7.25 again and I'll be back to 10 hours a week. If there was another job offering $8.50 or more full time that an associate's degree can get without battling 20+ other applicants, I would.
I think the reason why I get these sad attacks isnt just because I miss everything. Its also because I'm a 21 year old girl working with 40+ year old men. And they can get really douchbagish and sexist. I've been there so long now that I don't think they see me as a girl anymore. They say plenty of sexist things (like how my costume was slutty) and things like "so you fucked up the whole job, huh?" Or "Oh man. It's all fucked up ain't it. All fucked up." And overall, it's not an environment where I should be. But my uncle calls it "character building". And my mom doesnt seem to think its as bad as I say it is. But it is.
On top of ALL of that. I still miss my friends. I think about them every single day. Even the ones I haven't talked to since I moved. I'm constantly thinking what they're doing. And I see how life goes on without me on facebook and I wonder if people think about me as much as I think about them? Sure, I have plenty of friends in NY, but I only have 2 BFFs. But Jess posts how she has the best of friends at school. And Sara's getting so excited about Tora Con. And my heart sank a little when I saw the pic of both of them at Walmart because that's something the 3 of us would do. I would do anything just to spend a day with them. Not even going anywhere. Just spend a day playing video games, drawing, watching movies and making food. Those were the best times with the best people.
And I just busted one of my feels. I need a tissue.